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	ZOMBIES AND VAMPIRES IN IOWA Three Years After The "Vampire Revelation," Iowans have grown used to post-humans...mostly. Share It was over five years ago that a message appeared on an internet forum devoted to the works of goth musician Voltaire, who was once referred to as "the Weird Al of the coffin crowd." "U r not going 2 believe this," the message said, "but Voltaire is an actual vampire. He is 300 years old, at least, and is a high ranking member of some vampire council in Romania. They really exist. This is the truth. I am completely serious." Aurelio Voltaire, vampire/singer. Other members of the forum ignored the message - who needs another conspiracy theory? But now it's five years later, and conspiracy theorists have a newfound sense of credibility (sort of). That poster - one of a handful who believed vampires walked among us - was right. At 307, Voltaire is, indeed, the youngest member of the Vampire Council, which meets in Romania. But while Voltaire fit many of the vampire stereotypes, it seemed that every OTHER public figure who turned out to be a vampire (Rachael Ray, Steve Carrell, etc) seemed so...normal. Just like the other vampires who had been in our communities, running our libraries, driving our school buses, and flipping our burgers, all along. Iit was three years ago this week that discount retailer Megamart admitted that it had been using an ancient "operation" to re-animate corpses for use as zombie slave labor in their stockrooms. Vampires, shocked at such treatment of their "undead brothers and sisters," decided that it was time to break their 3000 year silence and "come out of the coffin." Some say that the move wasn't entirely out of the goodness of the vampire's hearts. "We were looking for a way to go public," says one vampire. "I mean, come on. It's the internet age. You can't keep secrets this big anymore. I don't know a single vampire who really gives a @#$% about zombie rights, but acting like we did gave us a way to introduce ourselves on our own terms." For the first few months after the revelation, no one thought much about the zombie slaves at Megamart - we were all too busy worrying that the vampires who turned out to be living down the street were going to fly into our houses and suck our blood. Scientists and the clergy demanded answers. But the vampires, with a masterful PR campaign, assured us that no human had been attacked since the days of the American Civil War, when they discovered VS2, the vegetable compound that is more satisfying than blood. They explained to scientists that they got what powers they had (enhanced strength, speed, and lifespan) from protein mutations, not, as the Southern Baptist Association had publicly alleged, from deals with dark forces. Within a few months, the vampire Council of Elders had signed various treaties with the U.N. guaranteeing human safey. Scientists claimed to understand exactly how vampirism, lycanthropy (werewolfism), ghosts and zombies worked. Everyone calmed down, and Iowa, along with the rest of the world, entered The Post Human Era. Meanwhile, though, more than 10,000 zombies were still working behind the scenes in stock rooms. Megamart, in a typical display of hubris, had somehow believed that they could keep it a secret, and further believed that if they were ever caught, they could claim that constitutional ammendments banning slavery didn't apply to the dead. A zombie labors at Megamart. Even now, Megamart CEO Brad Gibbons is unrepentant. "It has always been our objective to keep our prices low for the consumers," he says. "The undead workforce lowered our overhead costs dramatically, and, as a result, our already-low prices went down even further. It was a win-win situation for the American people, and I don't really care, personally, if the dead people were upset. That lawsuit and the fact that we now have to pay even our LIVING employees better wages brought prices up. The American people lost." Another zombie laborer In the two years since Megamart reached a settlement to avoid a massive lawsuit and the zombies were freed, most of the zombies have returned to being dead. Life as a zombie is painful, and zombies who don't drink a shot of embalming fluid every 4-6 hours will crumble into dust. Though the terms of the settlement require Megamart to provide any zombie who asks for it - even ones they didn't create - with unlimited embalming fluid for as long as they're still functional enough to pick up a supply at any Megamart store, almost all of them chose to crumble almost immediately after being freed. Barely 15% survived long enough to collect the money due them as part of the settlement. So, now we live among post-humans. Is life really all that different? Most would say "no." No matter what happens in the world, after all, life DOES tend to go on. When wars are declared, people still buy gas, complain about the heat, and hold birthday parties. Sure, legal protections for the undead bring up new questions about various political issues, and vampires have cleared up a few mysteries (want to know something about Shakespeare? Ask a vampire who knew him!) But, for the most part, life has gone back to normal. No news has ever stopped the world, and vampires "coming out of the coffin" was no exception. The most notable differenences between the Post Human Era and the days when we thought the undead was the stuff of legends seem is among the young. "EVERYONE wants to date a vampire," says Collete Smith, a senior at Urbandale High School, which is attended by three vampires (each of whom is long since old enough to have graduated) "I mean, the only reason they even GO to school is to search for true love. If they've looked for three hundred years to find YOU, that's, like, the ultimate boyfriend, isn't it?" It's no secret that teen girls have been bitten (pun not intended) by the vampire bug - and HARD. At high schools across the world, the "goth" look long favored by teenage vampires instantly became the rage among girls hoping to catch a vampire's eye. Boys, hoping to imitate vampires, naturally took it up, too. Sales of "goth" music, clothing, and breakfast cereals (such as Count Chocula) have skyrocketed. Voltaire has gone from being a cult hit to topping the charts. Still, vampires have their detractors. "I don't believe vampires should be in school," says Senator Levon Jessup (D-MI). "They aren't really teenagers anymore, and they only reason they go at all is to prey on starstruck girls. We're hearing too many stories about human kids going to great lengths to 'convert' to post-humanism. It's not 'conversion.' It's suicide. I don't care if you still get to walk around drinking VS2 and running 250 miles per hour, it's still suicide." A bill currently in congress to limit post-humans' ability to create MORE posthumans, is enjoying broad bipartisan support, along with a bill to keep vampires who have been alive more than 20 years out of high schools. But IS it suicide to become undead? And should vampires who admit to having consumed blood before 1863 still be taken to trial as murderers? Should we BELIEVE that vampires will hold to the treaty? Does the awakening of the dead tell us anything about reincarnation, or the afterlife (many zombies claim to vaguely remember being in some sort of celestial plane between death and reanimation)? These are only a few of the questions that remain unanswered. But, in the mean time, life in Iowa goes on - for both the living and the undead. One of the biggest surprises of three years ago was that playwright Christopher Marlowe, thought dead since 1593, was a vampire living in Italy. He has answered questions about his old friend and rival, William Shakespeare (whom he refers to as "Wild Bill.") That Marlowe was the author of several famous plays, films and songs from the past 400 years is well known, though he refuses, so far, to say which ones.		Alley thought dead guys had no reason to live....but wild corpses couldn't drag her away from Doug: I KISSED A ZOMBIE... AND I LIKED IT! A funny, sad, strange and beautiful love story by Adam Selzer "Hilarious." - Kirkus PRE-ORDER NOW Read the first three chapters online! The soundtrack to the book, available to download FREE at I Kissed a Zombie.com Featuring Vixy Dockrey, Mary Crowell, the Broken Chimneys, and more! Questions? We have answers. Click to download a FREE pamphlet. paid for by Mercy Hospital Before they knew she was a vampire, Mrs. Smollett wreaked havoc on the middle school gifted program... HOW TO GET SUSPENDED AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE a novel about censorship, sex ed, commies, inventions, and art. Now in paperback! Coming in December: THE SMART ALECK'S GUIDE TO AMERICAN HISTORY by Adam Selzer and the Smart Aleck Staff There's nothing about Iowa in The Order of Odd Fish by James Kennedy See also: Adam's hilarious memoir of his career in the ghost hunting industry: Your Neighborhood Gives Me the Creeps: True Tales of An Accidental Ghost Hunter Llewellyn Press, Sept 1, 2009 The new Voltaire album: Copyright 2009 by Adam Selzer email: staffATsmartalecksguide.com DID YOU KNOW The vegetable compound vampires drink was once sold in stores under the name Pinkham's Vegetable Compound!
	YOUR ANONYMOUS COMMENTS: Vampires r stoopid. UR Gay. So how come people admit that vampires are real, but not that the Bu$h regime was b-hind 911? Wake up, America. Lame I LOVE VAMPIRES!!!!!!!! Voltaire is SOOOO HOTTTTTT!!!! I want him to make ME a vampire SOOOOO badly! Please email me if u know how contact him!!!! okay bye Yeah I just surfed in from google. Is this page really for Iowans? I didn't know their really WERE such things as Iowans! How come you don't pronounce the S sounds in Des Moines? R U all gay? I herd Voltaire's real name is Bernie Weinstein lol he should of told the truth! I don't understand why this site even bothers with a comment form. Girls who wish to convert should seek to convert to something higher. Jesus is living in a homeless shelter on SE 14th Street. I have met him. He wears awesome shoes. The same liberal BS we always get from Clyde Baxter. Megamart is a wonderful company, and Gibbons is a great man. You HAVE to be a great man to become a CEO - haven't you ever read Atlas Shrugged, Baxter? Why are we concerned about this stuff when the planet is in crisis mode? Alley Rhodes is a $%^&*. She acts like she doesn't care much about guys, but she's just covering up the fact that shes lonely i you ask me! AnD SHE is the one who gets a zombie boyfriend! No fair! To all who want the comments taken down or moderated: it is my right to say what I believe! Freedom of speech, you tardz!!!! To the above: the constitution doesn't say anything about your right to post on Iowa Today, and it doesn't say anything about freedom from having people call you a jerk/idiot/maniac for speaking your mind. You are, in fact, a jerk and a troll. No one's sending you to jail for it. These comments make me weep for humanity. I guess they're still better than youtube comments. SEE, Hitler (I mean Baxter)? Even one of ur precious demoncrats from the democrat socialist party wants vampires out of schools! I'm sure you have a tree to go hug. Hahahahahahaha! How can people like Baxter even show their face now that the very fact vampires exist single-handedly disproves Darwin and proves the Biblical account of creation is literally true? If evolution were true, vampires would have turned into croco-ducks a million years ago, right? To the above poster: vampires ARE evolution. Protein and genetic mutations are a major part of HOW species evolve. Christopher Marlowe was the author of most of Bob Dylan's songs. When Dylan stopped playing live from 1966-1973, Marlowe wrote for the Doors. After the "death" of "Jim Morrison" (Marlowe in disguise) in 1971, he took on a new identity: Tom Waits (did you REALLY believe that guy singing "Tom Traubert's Blues" was only 26?). Dylan has written (or stolen) most of his own songs since '73, though Marlowe still writes for him sometimes (most recently on "Nettie Moore"). He also wrote songs for a guy named Lorre Wyatt. All of this is explained when you take the first letter of each the lyrics of certain songs and put them all together in a 4x4 grid. I discovered this, then proved it. Why do I even bother posting here with all you trolls? Evil flourishes when good men do nothing... Why did we need the government to free the zombies? If they were meant to be free, they would have been freed by the invisible hand of the market. There is a zombie living in my town. He likes to paint. You know who else liked to paint? HITLER! Um, yeah, I just heard that Nick Jonas is a werewolf? Is that true? Can werewolves only date other werewolves? Do u know how I can turn into one? Does it hurt? EDIT: Ok its been 2 hrs and no1's written me back whatevers.		Copyright 2009 by Adam Selzer Thanks to Mike Falkstrom, Voltaire, Ken Melvoin-Berg, and Amy Brizzolara The Broken Chimneys' first album, Satan's Parents' Basement. Now on