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BRING ME THE ANTIQUE HEAD OF LUDWIG
VON BEETHOVEN: A Play in One Act
Copyright 2009 by Adam Selzer, All Rights Reserved
CHARACTERS
NICK HARRIS A new dad working as an accountant in
Cornersville Trace, a suburb of a small midewestern city. He dreams of
inventing something and striking it rich, and is having trouble
adjusting to life as an accountant.
JUDITH HARRIS A new mom who has recently quit her
job to be a stay-at-home mom - but just for a while. Nick's wife of two
years.
LEON HARRIS a six-month old baby
HANK NEIDERMAN A middle aged man, block captain at
the homeowner's assosciation. The kind of guy who is often seen wearing
Hawaiian shirts when washing his car.
BETTY NEIDERMAN Hank's wife. She's boring, of course.
SETTING
The Harris's living room on August
Avenue in Cornersville Trace.
TIME
Early evening, some 13 years before
the events of How To Get Suspended and
Influence People
ACT I
Scene 1 INT
- The Harris's eat-in kitchen.
Lights up on a suburban eat-in kitchen, full of
stuff from target. A baby is in a cradle, and JUDITH HARRIS, a
twenty-five year old woman in a Beatles t-shirt, is stirring a pot with
one hand and holding up a telephone in the other.
JUDITH
Look, he WANTED to make
the bushes be shaped
like a giant butt to
see if anyone noticed.
Isn't this better?
(rolls eyes)
Okay. I'll tell him.
See you soon. Bye bye.
JUDITH hangs up the phone, just as NICK enters.
JUDITH
Evening, hon!
NICK
Hey, baby... (looks
over at baby Leon)
How's my little guy?
JUDITH
He was really good
today!
NICK
Yeah?
JUDITH
Yeah!
She smiles as Nick toussles the baby's hair.
NICK
That's my man! High
five! High five?
LEON does not seem intent on returning his high
five. Nick finally shrugs and gives up.
JUDITH
Work good?
NICK
Mostly.
JUDITH
Mostly?
NICK
Yeah. The work was
good, but then about two o'clock
Mark comes charging
over to my cubicle to pick on
me for wearing a
novelty tie.
JUDITH
What are you supposed
to wear?
NICK
(disgusted)
Power ties. Can you
believe it? Like I have
any power to begin
with. But he's all "we're
professionals
here, Mr. Harris, and we dress
that way. No clients
come into the office.
I could wear pajamas
and still do the math just
as well. Better, if
anything.
JUDITH
Seriously.
NICK
You know what it is?
It's just jerks like
Mark who are trying to
impress the goons
at corporate. They want
to make themselves
look good, so they have
to pick on people
for any reason they can
get. I'd like to
see ONE of them factor
a quadratic.
JUDITH
Did you do any of those
today?
NICK
(annoyed)
No! It's all adding and
subtracting. A third
grader could just about
do my job. I'm telling
you, baby - I'm going
to revolutionize this
field.
JUDITH
(getting
into the spirit)
And Mark's head will
roll!
NICK
Yeah...that would be
pretty cool if we could
impale all the guys
from corporate outside
of the office. Then all
the other accounting
firms in town would act
all scared around me. Ha!
JUDITH
Well, speaking of
goons, I just got a call from
Betty Neidermeyer.
NICK
Who?
JUDITH
Hank Neidermeyer's wife.
NICK
Is that the jerk with
the thing on his head, or
the jerk who wears a
Hawaiian shirt when he
washes his car?
JUDITH
Shirt guy. He's from
the homeowner's association.
NICK
What did he want?
JUDITH
He's about to come over
to talk about some block
regulation thing.
NICK
(groans)
Is my lawn mower the
wrong color or something?
JUDITH
Who knows?
NICK
(impersonating
hank neiderman)
I ain't a racist, but I
think red lawnmower
owners should live in
neighborhoods with OTHER
red lawn mower owners.
(back
in his own voice)
My god, he and Mark
must be part of some...conspiracy.
Why can't all jerks
like that just go live in
some town by themselves?
JUDITH
Like this place?
NICK
Oh yeah. Why did the
gangs have to take over the
city? Don't they like
strip malls, too?
JUDITH
I think they don't like
cul-de-sacs.
NICK
Maybe we're just
looking at the world wrong...
(to the baby)
You
wanna move to the city, Leon? You wanna join
a gang and fight for
your turf?
JUDITH
Nick, don't start.
NICK
Hey, what's worse? For
him to grow up to be a gang
banger, or a pod person
like Hank, Betty, and Mark?
(beat)
God, her name
is really BETTY? I swear, the
people in this
neighborhood must have shrines to
Leave it to Beaver in
their basements. They probably
sacrifice things to
them.
JUDITH
Leon won't grow up to
be a pod person. We'll
raise him better than
that.
NICK
Yeah.
JUDITH
And you want some WORSE
news?
NICK
Now what?
JUDITH
THIS is what's for
dinner!
JUDITH sticks a wooden spoon in his mouth. HE takes
a bite from the spoon, looks horrified for a moment, then looks
delighted.
NICK
Oh, that's hideous!
Where did you find this one?
JUDITH
(holds up the cookbook)
The Wonders of Lard.
1956.
NICK
The WONDERS OF LARD?
Oh my god,
that's awesome!
What's the wonder?
JUDITH
I think that it's a
wonder if you don't die of
a heart attack from
eating this stuff.
NICK
(flipping through it giddily)
Oh my god, this is a
classic! This is proof that the suburbs
are cursed, baby.
Proof! People in suburbia probably actually
ATE this stuff in the
1950s!
JUDITH
Oh, give 'em a little
credit. They probably didn't cook
this crap just because
the lard people told them to.
YOU grew up in the
suburbs!
NICK
Hey, I was inside the
city limits!
JUDITH
Of Des Moines.
You're cute when you act like you're from the hood!
NICK
Just cause you were
three blocks closer in....
JUDITH
I think this cookbook was
actually a government plot.
They probably gave a
copy to people they thought were
communist spies. If
they were true americans, they'd
know enough not to cook
this crap.
NICK
So, shall we be spies
tonight?
JUDITH
Ja, comrade! Ve shall
eat ze casserole, and ze
government shall never
suspect zat ve are spies!
NICK
Muhahahahaa!....is that
how commie spies laughed?
JUDITH
No...I think it was
more like "heh heh heh heh."
NICK
No, you're thinking of
The Emperor from STAR WARS.
JUDITH
Did Communists laugh at
all, actually? I don't think
commies ever thought
anything was funny, come to
think of it.
NICK
Tough one. Hmmm... how
long til it's ready?
JUDITH
It bakes for ten
minutes...I hope it doesn't stink
up the kitchen too much.
NICK flips through the book, thrilled by how
horrible it is, as Judith puts the casserole in the oven.
JUDITH
I cheated a little. I
actually only used about half of the
lard the recipe called for.
NICK
Which one did you make?
JUDITH
Butternut squash and
ketchup upside-down surprise.
NICK
Upside-down? Was it
ever right side up?
JUDITH
Not to my knowledge.
You're the scientist! You tell me!
NICK
I'll bet Hank's wife
knows. They probably use
cook books like this in
a NON ironic way.
Both laugh as they flip through the dreadful cook
book.
NICK
This had better be
chock full of iron.
JUDITH
Probably. How much iron
do yo suppose it would
have to have before it
wouldn't be child abuse
to feed it to Leon?
NICK
About 9000% of the
recommended daily allowance.
I don't think he's
ready for food disasters yet.
JUDITH
Maybe not. But I'll bet
when he's a teenager, he
thinks they're
hilarious!
NICK
He sure will.
(beat)
Say, speaking of Leon,
anything come in the mail for me?
JUDITH
(picks
up a little package)
Yeah, this thing.
NICK perks up.
NICK
Yeah? Gimme!
Nick opens it up and his eyes get wide. He pulls
out what appears to be a very small empty picture frame.
NICK
Ohhhhh yeah!
JUDITH
What is it?
NICK
It's kind of a surprise.
JUDITH
It looks like an empty
frame.
NICK
See, last week I was
doing some research
about investments for
my stupid boss, and I saw this
thing about people who
collect locks of hair from famous people.
JUDITH
Ew.
NICK
I know! But there're
guys with locks of
Abe Lincoln's hair, and George
Washington's,
John Lennon's, and Charles Dickens's,
the Red Baron's....
JUDITH
And they're real?
NICK
Sure they're real. They
can do DNA tests on these
things. But the locks
cost tens of thousands of bucks. So a lot of
guys offset the cost by
taking a few strands and
cutting them up into
half-inch samples to sell.
JUDITH
(part
disgusted, part thrilled)
So that's what's in the
frame? Some dead guy's hair?
NICK
Not just any dead guy.
Ludwig Von Beethoven.
JUDITH
WHOA!
(she inspects
it closely).
It
kinda looks like....
(giggle)
NICK
What?
JUDITH
Um....you're sure it's
from his HEAD, right?
This kinda looks like a
butt hair!
NICK
(laughs)
Well, it came from a full LOCK, so unless Beethoven
had a really, really
hairy butt, I'm pretty sure that
this came from his head.
JUDITH
Ha!
NICK
And how would those
even exist? You think when he
Was on his death bed,
someone said "hey, I need a
souvenier. Pull down
his pants and gimme the razor!"
JUDITH
(laughing)
Stop!
NICK
But look - this is a
hair from the head of a genius.
We'll hang it on the
wall in Leon's room.
JUDITH
I'll bet we're the only
parents in the world who
decorate the baby's
room with bits of dead people.
NICK
Just think...this
sprouted out of the head that wrote
Beethoven's Fifth
Symphony...can you imagine how
important Leon will feel
knowing this is on his wall
when he's old enough to
appreciate it? That it sprang
from that head, and now
it's on HIS OWN BEDROOM WALL?
It's inspiring...in a
kind of sicko way.
JUDITH
Yeah. That kinda
sounds...serial kilerish. I mean,
we're decorating his
room with a piece of someone's
head. I'll bet no
psychologist ever recommended anything
like THIS to build self
esteem.
NICK
Only because they
aren't creative enough. We're
awesome parents, you know.
JUDITH kisses his cheek. NICK starts to carefully
open up the picture frame.
JUDITH
What are you doing now?
NICK
I just wanted to touch
it. You know, with my own
hands. It's weird, I
know...but...
JUDITH
Think you might absorb
some genius?
NICK
Humans can't learn by
osmosis...but... man! I'm
TOUCHING
Beethoven...it's...awesome. In a sick
kind of way.
JUDITH
I want to try!
JUDITH carefully puts her finger against Nick's and
takes the tiny bit of hair. She stares at it, fascinated.
JUDITH
How much did you pay
for this?
NICK
Not much. It's an
investment, anyway.
JUDITH
Who knows what I could
have accomplished if I
had something like this
in my room when I was a kid?
NICK
The great thoughts it
could have inspired...maybe you
would have been one of
those super gifted kids who
go to college at 13.
JUDITH
Yeah...but if I went to
college at 13
then I wouldn't have
met you.
JUDITH and NICK smile at each other for a moment,
glad of each others company.
NICK
And anyway, maybe
having some geniune genius around here
will give me the idea
for the invention that will
make us rich enough to
get out of this town.
JUDITH
Maybe LEON will invent
something!
NICK
Wouldn't that be great?
Two inventors in
the same little family!
JUDITH
And it all starts with
bringing Leon
the head of Ludwig von
Beethoven.... I guess
at least it's not his
WHOLE head. That would
be weird.
NICK
This little thing is
our ticket out
of this suburban
dump...Let's show it to him!
He takes back the tiny bit of hair, and the two approach Leon, who is
lying in his cradle.
NICK
Hi, Leon! Hey, little
genius...you'll never believe
what we have here. It's
a big enough DNA sample
from a genius that
we'll be able to clone him in
three to five years if
I get enough gear out in the
garage...
JUDITH
Put it on his
finger...let him touch it, too,
before we put it back in the frame forever. He
can be the last person ever to touch Beethoven.
NICK
(turns to her)
Okay, now that's
getting a bit stalkerish.
JUDITH
Well, let Beethoven
call the cops. My baby is making
history!
NICK
And the other people
who bought these are probably
touching them,
too...not to mention the guy who owns
the whole lock.
JUDITH
Oh, shut up, you. Just
put it on his finger.
NICK places the tiny bit of Beethoven's hair onto
his baby son's finger, and the happy couple gaze adoringly for a
second, then recoil in shock.
JUDITH
Oh my god!
NICK
Did he just...?
JUDITh
Oh god...it's not on
his finger...LEON! Spit it out!
NICK
Spit that out, Leon!
It's not food! It's an antique!
JUDITH opens Leon's mouth and starts poking around.
JUDITH
Open up for mommy,
Leon.....
I can't find it...He
ate it! He ATE BEETHOVEN'S HAIR!
Both look flustered
JUDITH
Do you think that's
dangerous?
NICK
Just stay calm. He's
eaten worse things, hasn't he?
JUDITH
Is hair poison?
NICK
It can't be. if hair
were fatal,
we'd all die of hair
poisoning as soon as we started
to grow any, wouldn't
we?
JUDITH
I guess...
NICK
I mean, if it's safe to
grow out of your body, it's
probably safe to put
back in.
JUDITH
(desperate
for reassurance)
Right.
NICK
And the homemade baby
food
your mom makes is
usually at least 20% hair.
JUDITH
Gross! But true. But
what if it was treated with
some...special hair
spray for dead guys? That could be
dangerous! Maybe we
should try to make him throw up, just in
case.
NICK
Oh god, what if they
cut it off AFTER they embalmed him?
They probably used
arsenic in the embalming fluid back then!
BOTH
AAAA!!!!
NICK
CALL DOCTOR NUSSBAUM!
JUDITH
I WILL!
JUDITH goes offstage with the phone while NICK
looks in Leon's mouth, fruitlessly searching for the missing antique.
HANK
NIEDERMAN
(offstage)
Yoo-hoo! It's the
neighbors!
HANK NIEDERMAN and his wife, BETTY, enter. Nick
looks up, surprised.
HANK
Hi, Nick! I'm Hank
Niederman, block captain.
We met at the barbecue
last month.
NICK
Kinda busy right now,
Hank....and
it wouldn't hurt you to
knock, you know.
HANK
We're all neighbors
here! And anyway, the whole board
of the homeowners' association has keys to every
place on August Avenue.
NICK
Swell. Now I have to
change the locks.
(shouting offstage)
Honey? Did you get him
on the phone?
JUDITH
(offstage)
It'll be just a second!
NICK
(to HANK)
Minor crisis here.
Nothing to worry about.
We're terrific parents.
The best. We'd never
give Leon anything that
would hurt him.
BETTY
Aw, new parents! Did
the dog lick him? He'll be fine.
NICK
Uh, not exactly. Just
had a bit of a freak accident
here. Nothing to call
the child welfare office about.
HANK
(wrinkling his nose)
Did he eat some of
whatever's cooking?
BETTY
(scolding)
Hank!
HANK
Because no offense,
but...what is that?
NICK
Butternut squash and
ketchup upside-down
surprise....look, can
this wait?
HANK
I'm afraid not, Nick.
We're sort of sticklers
about block regulations
around here, especially
this month. And there's
a bit of a problem with your
bushes.
JUDITH comes back in, looking relieved.
NICK
What did he say?
JUDITH
We're fine. As long as
they didn't spray it, like,
this morning or
something.
NICK
Oh, thank god.
JUDITH
He said we probably
shouldn't feed him any MORE
of it, though. And I
think he thinks we're weird.
NICK and JUDITH hug, both really relieved.
BETTY
What did the little
angel eat, exactly?
NICK
(distracted)
Beethoven's hair.
BETTY
Oh, is that the dog?
He'll be fine.
JUDITH
I'm also going to call
Marianne.
LEON
from college?
JUDITH
Yeah. She wrote her
thesis on Beethoven. I really
just wanna brag that we
had a piece of him.
JUDITH dials the phone.
BETTY
She wrote a thesis on
your dog?
LEON
We don't have a dog,
Betty. We mean
the composer.
HANK
You're quite the couple of comedians, huh?
JUDITH
(to phone)
Hey Marianne, it's
Judith! Give me a call when you
get this, k? Bye!
JUDITH hangs up.
HANK
And now that the little
crisis is all resolved,
we came here to talk to
you about your new
bushes.
Nick SIGHS, then shrugs. The two share a knowing
look, then grin. JUDITH goes to Leon, relieved that he's not about to
die of hair poisoning.
NICK
Well, what seems to be
the problem, Captain?
HANK
Well, they're three
feet high. According to the block
charter, the limit is
two and a half.
NICK
Oh no....what have I
DONE?
HANK
Sorry to tell you.
NICK
(pretending to be terrified)
Do I have to go to
jail? You're not going
to stone me, are you?
Or put bamboo shoots
under my fingernails?
Oh, God!
BETTY
It's the rules we all
live by, Mr. Harris.
NICK
(rolls his eyes)
Look, I work as
an accountant. I live in the suburbs,
and my wife is a
housewife now. I have a lawnmower.
I'm already officially
lame.
What do you people WANT
me from?
BETTY
You people?
NICK
Don't you need a
couple of weirdos on the block?
Can't we just be those?
JUDITH
I can be the crazy
witch lady, if you don't already
have one!
HANK
We just want it to look
like a nice street, Nick.
See, they're about to
do an article on our block
and how the homeowners
association kept it
beautiful in Iowa
Living magazine!
BETTY
It's Hank's fifteen
minutes of fame!
NICK
Swell.
JUDITH looks up.
JUDITH
And if the three foot
bushes are in the magazine,
people will know we're
communist spies?
NICK
Shhh!!!
JUDITH
Ooops.
HANK
heh, heh heh. You kids
are funny. But we have
rules on this block,
and as block captain, it's
up to me to enforce
them.
NICK
So, what am I looking
at, Cap? Fifty dollar fine
or something?
HANK
Well, I'd rather just
have you trim your bushes.
NICK
Well, they'll look
shorter once I paint the vertical
stripes on the front of
the house, so don't worry.
HANK
Vertical stripes?
NICK
Kinda like tiger
stripes, actually. I want
the whole house to
remind people of... tigers.
JUDITH and NICk try to keep from giggling
unsuccesfully.
HANK
Tigers?
JUDITH
ROAR!
NICK
When people see a house
that reminds them of
tigers, they'll say
"now, THIS must be where
the action is!"
JUDITH
We love action. Don't
you, Betty?
HANK
Well, you see, Nick,
that's against
regulations too, and...
NICK
And next you're going
to tell me that
I can't build a moat
around the place.
HANK
Now, what would you do
THAT for?
NICK
Gotta keep little Leon safe from perverts
and gangs!
JUDITH
And we have to find a
new place for our alligators;
they're taking up too
much room in the bathtub.
HANK
Well, now, there's a
thing about exotic pets,
too...
NICK
AND JUDITH
(laughing,
hardly able to believe
this
goon is falling for it.)
The PHONE RINGS, and JUDITH goes to answer it.
JUDITH
(looking
at the caller ID)
Oh, good! It's
Marianne..(exit with phone, waving to
Nick in a "haha! I'm
going into the next room and
leaving you alone with
these goons!" smile.)
HANK
Now, I don't want to be
a nosy neighbor, Nick,
and I remember what
it's like to be a new homewoner,
but we want you to take
the rules a bit more
seriously.
NICK
Yeah, yeah.
BETTY
(to Leon)
Obbooobooo hoojoo? Oh
booboo hoojoo?
NICK
Uh, Mrs Neiderman? Leon
doesn't speak
Dutch.
BETTY
Very funny, Mr. Harris.
NICK
I'm serious, Hank.
Tiger stripes, a moat...a draw bridge,
too.
(We can see that Nick really DOES love the idea of
having these things).
And probably an
underground tunnel. Do you care what I
do underground?
HANK
Well, you have to call
the water and gas departments before
you dig...and...
NICK
Ooh! Maybe I could put
in spikes out front, so I can
intimidate other
homeowners by impaling my enemies in
the yard!
HANK
I'm glad you think this
is funny, Nick. But we've
actually got a long
list of complaints. You and your
wife blast rock music
out of the window. There's an
oil stain in your
driveway. Your lawn is so overgrown
that it's starting to
give me Vietnam flashbacks.
NICK
Look, I'll mow it,
okay? BUt I don't even OWN any tools
to trim the bushes. I
was gonna let them grow a bit taller.
HANK
But you see, we all
live by the same rules....
JUDITH
(offstage)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JUDITH enters in a panic.
JUDITH
Nick! Beethoven died of
LEAD POISONING!
NICK
So?
JUDITH
They found out by
ANALZYING HIS HAIR!
NICK
I'm sure it was just
trace amounts, honey. If even
that! Probably
just...molecules.
JUDITH
Oh, my baby! They're
going to put you
in foster care! If you
even live!
NICK
Now, honey, he'll be
fine!
HANK
What the?
JUDITH
I'm a bad mother! I
gave my baby dangerous hair
from a dead guy and he
ATE it! What kind of mother
DOES that?
BETTY
Good God! Am I to
understand your baby
actually ate a PERSON'S
hair?
NICK
There's probably a cure
by now, anyway..
BETTY
And it hadn't been
disinfected?
JUDITH
OH, GO DISINFECT
YOURSELF, you old bat!
NICK
Honey, relax. I'm sure
you can't get lead poisoning from
trace amounts! Let me
call Dr. Nussbaum jsut to be
sure. Just relax.
NICK takes the phone and dials.
(to Hank and Betty)
It's fine. She tends to
panic.
(beat)
Hi, Dr. Nussbaum? Yeah,
it's me. I have
a real puzzler for you
this time....
(exits,
with phone)
JUDITH
Oh, Leon, mommy's so
sorry!
HANK
Another little joke,
huh? Very funny. I'm getting
a bit tired of this,
Mrs. Harris.
Look, if you want to
get rid of us, just
tell me you'll trim the
hedges and give up
on the, uh...tiger
stripes and moat.
JUDITH
Oh, Leon...if you're
not okay, I'll never
forgive myself. What
have I DONE?
HANK
See, we're just
concerned about keeping
the property values
going up, you know.
JUDITH
I didn't mean to give
you a dangerous toy!
I thought you'd just
absorb the genius, not eat it!
HANK
Mrs. Harris, this isn't
a very funny joke.
JUDITH
It's okay, baby. We're
going to take you to the
hospital and get your
stomach pumped. You're going
to live!
BETTY
Oh, for goodness' sake.
HANK
Look, I'd love to get
our of your hair and
away from whatever
that...upside down suprise
thing is, but as block
captain...
JUDITH
(singing)
Hush little baby, don't
you cry
mama's is not gonna let
you die
if that hair was bad
for you (SNIFFF)
mama's gonna get it
pumped out of you
if tere was poison in
the hair (SNIFF)
you'll probably be
safer in (SNIFF) foster care...
JUDITH continues humming and sniffing.
NICK comes back in.
NICK
Oh, honey, not that
song again. You're a GOOD
mom!
JUDITH
Still?
NICK
It's okay, honey. He
could have eaten
the whole lock and been
okay. Apparently hair
isn't the best
biosample for lead poisoning.
JUDITH
(holding
Leon tight)
So he's going to be all
right?
NICK
Oh, he'll be fine.
Doctors like me. I give them
interesting questions.
JUDITH
Oh, thank God! Oh, my
little angel!
NICK
That's one more thing
to add to the grand
list of weird stuff
that won't actually hurt
a baby.
HANK
You know, as glad as I
am to hear this...
NICK
You're still here?
HANK
Well, yes...
NICK
Let me guess. You were
afraid that if my baby died
and the house was haunted, it would hurt the property
values on the block, right?
HANK
Well, of course not,
Nick. BUt you've hit it on the
head, in a way.
Property values! The nicer the street
looks...
NICK
You mean the more
BORING the street looks.
HANK
Call it what you want.
You know them goofy houses
from the sixties up in
Flowers' Crossing that are all
painted pink and orange
and stuff? Those things
aren't worth the wood
they're built out of.
NICK
So?
HANK
And to top it all off,
our street is going to be
Featured in a magazine. A MAGAZINE! It's going to
tell all about us.
NICK
You mentioned.
HANK
And if there's some
house with tiger stripes and
above-regulation bushes
int he photos, then
everyone's property
values go down, and the rest of
the assosciation is going to be marching with
torches!
NICK
Good thing I'll have a
moat. Just SEE if I lower the
drawbridge!
JUST as he says this, THE SMOKE ALARM goes off.
JUDITH
The casserole!
SHE jumps up and removes the casserole from the
oven. Everyone
gags as the smell hits the kitchen.
JUDITH
Oh, no!...The Butternut
squash and ketchup upside-down
Surprise casserole!
(beat)
I think it's still
good. It's just a little smokey.
NICK
She's a wonderful cook,
you know....aren't you...comrad?
(wink wink)
JUDITH
(slowly starts to smile)
When I remember to set
the timer I am.
NICK
Great! I'm starving.
BETTY
You're going to eat
that?
JUDITH
It's still good. And
it's really... irony?
NICK
Well, I don't know if I
see the IRONY, honey...
JUDITH playfully socks him in the arm.
Hey, not in front of
these two! I don't want
them to think I'm a
battered husband. You already
nearly poisoned your
son with a dead guy AND
set fire to the kitchen.
JUDITH
(shoves
the spoon in his mouth)
Taste.
NICK
(spits
it out)
HOT!
JUDITH
(blows
on the spoon.)
Come on. Show us all
how good it is.
SHE shoves the spoon back in his face.
NICK.
(takes
a bite and smiles, looking over
at
the guests).
Mmmmm! I can really
taste the iron. Hank,
Betty, you really must
join us for dinner!
HANK
You're eating that?
NICK
We're food disaster
hobbyists.
JUDITH
We cook recipes out of
terrible old cookbooks
to see just how bad
they are.
NICK
Housewives from the 50s
were apparently really
stupid.
JUDITH
Totally.
HANK and BETTY look progressively more horrified.
BETTY
My mother was a
housewife in the fifties.
JUDITH
No kidding?
NICK
And when we eat them,
we pretend to be the target
audience, just for fun.
We think this stuff was for
commie spies, so that's
what we're being tonight.
JUDITH
You HAVE to join us.
You'll be Vlad and INgmar.
You have a plan to blow
up the Brooklyn bridge!
NICK
You can both do Russian
accents, right, comrades?
HANK
Oh, well, thanks,
neighbor, but we really should...
BETTY
I have a casserole of
my own in the oven.
I'd better go home or
I'll burn MINE, too.
NICK
(only too happy to hustle them on out)
Well, thanks for
stopping by, Captain.
Give our regards to
your ugly dog!
(goes offstage briefly. A door slam is heard, and
he re-enters)
NICK
I've GOT to write to
the newsletter people about
this. Maybe I'll write
an article. "Using Food
Disasters To Get Rid of
the Homeowners Association."
JUDITH
The nerve of those
people! They didn't even
stay for dinner after
watching me think my
baby was dying!
NICK
Not to mention just
letting himself in.
You know the whole
board has keys to our place?
He's lucky I don't have
a shotgun!
JUDITH
I say we chase 'em down
and feed THEM poison.
NICK
You wanna?
JUDITH
Let's roll.
They stare at each other intently for a second,
then laugh.
NICK
You okay, hon?
JUDITH.
Yeah, now that I know
Leon's going to be okay.
(beat)
I'm not a very good
mom, am I?
NICK
You're a GREAT mom.
JUDITH
But every single DAY I
do something like this!
NICK
ALL new moms do.
JUDITH
I guess.
NICK
And when he gets older,
he can brag to
all his friends that
he's the only living person
who ever ATE a piece of
Beethoven. He's a little
cannibal!
JUDITH
(chuckles a bit)
It's baby's first food
disaster!
NICK
Not counting the
homemade baby food from your mom.
JUDITH
Right...Speaking of
food, we're going out for
pizza, right?
NICK
Oh yeah. Even if it
DIDN'T burn, I couldn't have
finished that
casserole. I don't know how
those hardcore food
disaster guys do it!
JUDITH
We did the right thing,
right? Moving out
here?
NICK
Sure! The schools are
supposed to be terrific.
JUDITH
BUt we're not going to
turn into...them, right?
NICK
Nah. Of course not. And
anyway, once I get that
invention, we'll be
traveling the world with Leon
and his private tutor.
We're not going to be
stuck here forever.
(putting on his coat)
We'd better get going,
though. We also need to hit the
hardware store.
JUDITH
(putting on her coat and gathering up
Leon)
You aren't trimming
your bushes, are you?
NICK
Heck no! We're getting
the biggest lock they
have for the door! The
most against-regulation
one they have!
JUDITH
We should paint the
stripes, too. Just to
tick them off!
NICK
I hate to lose money on
my investment, but property
values on this street
are about to plummet.
JUDITH
Oh, no. What are you
going to do?
NICK
Me? Nothing! I'll just
let the article
about Hank come out.
Who's going to want
to live in a
neighborhood full of
whackos like that? Let's go, Leon, you
little head hunting
cannibal, you!
EXIT
Copyright 2009 by Adam Selzer, all rights reserved.
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AIM: AdamSelzer236